I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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