how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
