You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
