i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
