I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
