I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
