glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
