we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
