I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
