My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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