Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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