Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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