hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
