Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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