One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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