Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
