Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
