When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!