im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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