Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
