You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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