K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
