I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
