I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
