this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
