I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
