So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
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It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available