I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.