Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?