Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
