He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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