Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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