I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Boobs speak an international language.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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