yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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