My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
