I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
