Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize