I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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