Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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