What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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