i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
