hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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