Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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