I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
