We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
