god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
