It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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