We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
