He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
