I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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