I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
