My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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