So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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