Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
