Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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