i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
